Hephaestus and Torture Devices

Hephaestus is my name.

I am the son of Zeus and Hera. I was born lame and grew to be less handsome than the other gods, but I have developed superior skills in metalworking, crafting, sculpting and metallurgy. I am the god of fire and volcanoes. With my anvil, hammer and tongs, I have fashioned some of the most impressive weapons and enchanted items ever created, such as the winged helmet and sandals of Hermes, the prized armor worn by Achilles in the Trojan War, the golden chariot driven by Helios across the heavenly skies, and my greatest creation of all, the maiden Pandora with her locked box of evils.

Sacred fire from my forge was stolen by Prometheus and imparted to the mortals in perhaps the most sacrilegious act committed against all the gods of Mount Olympus. Zeus saw fit to punish him most unpleasantly. I will tell you of more unpleasantness when I speak to you of my wife Aphrodite.

Aphrodite—the most beautiful, sensual, and sexual of all Greek goddesses—was betrothed to me by Zeus, who wished to avoid any conflict by other divine suitors seeking her hand in marriage. She, however, was not a happy lover with me, because I was not her ideal mate. I lacked the youthful looks of more masculine, lustful, and better chiseled gods. I imagined it wouldn't take long for her to betray me and our marriage vows. With details provided by the ever-watchful Helios, I discovered that Aphrodite shared a bed with god of war, Ares. I decided to exact revenge upon them both by fashioning a metallic net made of ultra-thin, yet super-strong fibers which I hung over their bed. I ensnared them both in flagranti with my devious trap, then I dragged them in front of all the gods and goddesses on Mount Olympus to expose their shame. Aphrodite emerged unscathed and, dare I say, actually reveled in the attention. But Ares, on the other hand, was utterly humiliated. The virulent god of war was left impotent by his unflattering nakedness. That should teach him. Yet I haven't sufficiently punished Aphrodite for her lascivious adultery.

To put Aphrodite to the torture she so deserves, I need your help to decide which device would suit her as just punishment. Here is a short list:

Brazen Bull

The brazen bull is an invention of the ancient Greek sculptor known as "Perillos of Athens," who proposed the cruel device's use to the tyrant Phalaris in order to dissuade the poor and starving population against committing crimes. The basic idea behind the brazen bull is that the intended victim is forced into the hollow torso and locked inside. His tormentor would then light a fire underneath the metallic beast, essentially roasting the unfortunate victim to death. In a twist of irony, Perillos was forced into his own creation as the first test subject, because Phalaris was not yet convinced of the torture device's effectiveness. Following the agonizing screams of Perillos as he slowly burned to death, the tyrant Phalaris approved of his new toy. As I see it, Aphrodite's act of infidelity was so brazen that I find this torture technique to be quite suitable.

Iron Maiden

The iron maiden is a torture similar to the brazen bull in that the intended victim is encased in the device, but rather than being burned, the person is impaled by spike protruding from the inner front and inner back walls. The torture device resembles an upright sarcophagus with a hinged front and a woman's visage appearing at the outside top, like a death mask. The heavy iron doors open to reveal the deadly sharp spikes inside. The idea behind this contraption is that the victim is locked inside with the spikes penetrating his flesh. If the spikes rupture a major body organ, then death may occur almost immediately. If not, then the victim slowly succumbs from standing upright for many hours and, as he slumps down, the spikes tear through his flesh causing extreme pain and fatal blood loss. The spikes on the iron maiden's back wall seem to represent how Aphrodite stabbed me in the back with her adulterous betrayal. A most fitting torture device for a wife who was as cold as iron in her affections to me—the greatest of all metalworkers!

Judas Cradle

Though I am a blacksmith who has worked with all sorts of metal, the Judas Cradle is mainly a wooden torture device. It looks like something the ancient Egyptians would use, because of its main feature—the pyramid block. Also, the device's name is a bit curious, but Germans have called it Judaswiege, the Italians refer to it as culla di Guida, and the French simply speak of it as The Wake. It is sometimes colloquially called "the pyramid chair." The idea behind this elaborate device is to cause extreme pain and humiliation. The intended victim was stripped naked and had his hands and legs bound by rope. He was then placed above the pyramid block and lowered to a seated position. The pointed tip of the pyramid would enter the victim's anus—or vagina, in the case of tortured women. Death would come slowly, but mainly depended on the victim's condition and the degree to which the tormentors would exact this form of torture. In some historical instances, it was only used to extract information from the victim and not lead to his death. However, the Judas cradle was rarely, if ever, washed after repeated uses. So a victim who was merely tortured and not killed by the device might die from infection after exposure to the pyramid's dirty tip. I wonder if my unfaithful wife Aphrodite would even get the point of this torture device.  

Pear of Anguish

I like this simple tool. The Pear of Anguish, also called the Pear of Agony, is a torture device that does only one thing—it painfully expands body cavities. Historically, the metal pear was used against adulterous women, homosexuals, and liars or blasphemous people. In the case of wanton women, the device was violently forced into the vagina; for homosexuals, the anus; for liars or blasphemers, the mouth. The tormentor would simply turn the screw on the top end, which would separate and expand the four "leaves" or curved plates. While the torture device was never used to fatally wound or kill a victim, it was used to cause excruciating pain and suffering by tearing the skin around the mouth or mutilating other sensitive areas. My darling Aphrodite, you have always loved fruit. You claim it keeps you looking perpetually young and beautiful. Why not taste of the sensuous pear? I speak not of the pair of us, but the pairing of you and Ares. I'm sure you will find this pear to your liking as the flavor expands your taste buds and stretches out your treacherous orifices. Take a bite, I insist.

So, mortal, which torture device befits the adulterous deeds committed by my wife Aphrodite? Let me know your devious ideas by posting a comment below.

Hylas and Hydrophobia

They call me, Hylas.

I happily boarded the finely crafted vessel Argo at Iolcus to follow our leader Jason on his voyage to Colchis in search of the Golden Fleece. It was an epic adventure for a noble cause. We had many brave Greeks join as crew members. A couple of notable figures included Orpheus, famed for his music, and Heracles. I was the latter's arms-bearer. An honor, to be sure. For the legendary might of Heracles was known well beyond the mountainous and coastal boundaries of Greece. Truth be known, my youthful masculinity had coyly captured the affections of Heracles. I was bound by his side as a seafaring companion throughout most of our voyage.

Sailing on the Aegean heading toward the Black Sea, the Argo landed ashore on one of the tiny islands and we had a brief respite. We used this time to restock our supplies of food and water. I took with me a large terracotta pitcher—a hydra monster depicted in black on its side—and ventured alone into the nearby woods, looking for a natural spring or stream or any source of fresh drinking water. I discovered a clear pond dotted with lily pads and knelt to fill my pitcher. As I did so, the water quickly became murky and the tranquil surface started to violently ripple. Then I saw her, the first of several women—a naiad, or water nymph, who approached me with a cautious curiosity. I was enthralled. Though she did not speak, her gaze held me immobilized. Without asking her name, it suddenly entered my mind—she was called "Dryope." I was beguiled by her natural, wild beauty. Surrounded by the other alluring nymphs, who Dryope silently commanded, I was not allowed to rejoin my fellow Argonauts. Poor Heracles! He refused to leave the island until he found me. Jason and the crew, bound by divine duty, sailed on to Colchis without Heracles. Never would he discover that I met my doomed destiny with Dryope in this watery grave.

SOURCE: The World Book Medical Encyclopedia

It should come as no surprise that my surviving spirit has developed hydrophobia. If you are confused by this term, it is understandable. Hydrophobia is not only an irrational fear of water, but it is also the name attributed to the rabies disease. Does a person afflicted with rabies fear water? It would seem that way, but it is not true. Rabies causes painful spasms in the throat of humans and animals. The disease renders them unable to eat or drink. The excruciating pain causes one to refuse a drink of water even when that person is desperately thirsty. From this, the term "hydrophobia" came to be. The medical and psychiatric communities have adopted the use of a new expression: "aquaphobia." Aqua means "water" in Latin, which fits this unusual fear; however, linguistically, whenever the Latin "aqua" is used as a prefix, it should always begin as "aqui-." But I digress.

Aquaphobia is a near paralyzing fear of water well beyond the control of the afflicted person. What makes this phobia so unusual is that it can be brought on by a mere splash of water or being harmlessly exposed to water, such as through a faucet. The crippling fear arises out of an irrational belief that the person may drown—even from a glass of water. This is no laughing matter. I caution you, dear reader, that aquaphobia is a real, debilitating fear.

Take heed lest you come across deadly Dryope or one of her sinister sister-naiads! Even then, like being lured by the seductive Sirens' call, it may be too late to save yourself from an aquatic entombment.

Hermes Visits the Philippines

I am Hermes.

I'm one of the twelve Olympian gods. With my winged sandals and fleet-footedness, I function as a messenger for the others. Many of you mortals may have confused me with my Roman counterpart, Mercury, as he is often seen delivering flowers. I, however, do not concern myself with such trivial occupations because of my respected status among the Olympian gods. I am also a close friend of Zeus. He and I have gone on many adventures together, often disguised as mortals to test the worthiness of other humans. Perhaps I will share with you some of those stories another time. I have even served as a reliable "psychopomp"—a spirit guide for deceased souls venturing down into the underworld.

As you can imagine, dear mortals, I have traveled extensively throughout the world. I have witnessed many cultures. I have conversed with many people. I have marveled at the sheer wickedness of the wealthy and I have pondered on the perseverance of the poor. Let me tell you about my recent visit to the Philippines and of what I have learned there.

The Philippines is a country comprised of many small, unspoiled and exotic islands—an archipelago in the western Pacific Ocean—with a multitude of charming people who are as beautiful and warm as the fertile land. It is a storybook setting. To stray from the densely populated metropolitan areas and go further into the sparsely inhabited wilds of the Philippines is like stepping into the pages of an Edgar Rice Burroughs's novel. Yet a civilized man does not travel far from the comforts of society's familiar surroundings.

In the other jungle known as Metro Manila, with formidable skyscrapers of international corporations and imposing mega hotels catering to financially-secure foreigners, the steel constructed canopy of the metropolitan landscape seems to overpower and enslave the natural beauty of these chained islands. One can only imagine the sight of the various pre-industrialized indigenous people and their way of life that awaited the first Spanish explorer ships of Ferdinand Magellan when he and his men landed on the Philippine shores.  

There is no doubt that the Philippines is a paradise on earth; however, as any tourist or swift-footed god with winged sandals traveling to these Southeast Asian islands is painfully aware, life is a daily struggle for its citizens. If it is not the economic situation, where the average daily income for a Filipino worker is about 460 PHP (Philippine pesos) or approximately eleven U.S. dollars, then it is the country's unfortunate location that leaves it vulnerable to typhoons and tsunamis (brought about by Poseidon's whim), which are costly in terms of property damage and human life. Add to that, the population seems proportionally unbalanced between the two genders, with women surpassing men by an astounding 20:1 ratio.

This gender population inequity can be attributed to the nation's strong Catholic influence and the taboo of abortion. As nature takes its course, more female babies are born to families. In countries like China, where families are restricted to one or two children and female babies are less preferred, you will find a burgeoning population of Asian men looking for Asian brides. So it comes as no surprise to see Chinese businessmen coming to the Philippines and leaving their mark. But the Philippines is not Thailand. There is no overt sex trade industry at work there, much to Aphrodite's displeasure. While it is true that any native or tourist can find topless bars and engage with exotic dancers (known as "bar girls") seemingly on every gritty corner in the major cities, the reality is that many conservative young women of the Philippines are simply looking for faithful husbands and the dream of a happily married life.

If only Hades knew about this bountiful female population in the Philippines, then maybe he would not have stolen Persephone from her mother Demeter.

A Visually Tantalizing Thanksgiving Feast

Can you spare a scrap of meat or sip of water? I will accept anything to satiate my burning thirst or ravenous hunger. Forgive me, mortal, for I was once like you. I am Tantalus—a former Phrygian king. I reside here in Hades after living a life of blasphemy. I killed in sacrifice my own son Pelops and served his boiled body at a banquet honoring the gods. For this gruesome crime and other evil deeds, I was condemned to the lowest reaches of Tartarus. Here I am tormented by receding waters that prevent me from quenching my thirst and by fruit that will never satisfy my hunger as it hangs just out of my reach. A cruel, but fitting punishment. So, mortals, when you gather with your family to dine in November, remember me and be thankful that you do not suffer my fate.



A deliciously plump and juicy, fully roasted, seasonally prepared Thanksgiving turkey makes your mouth water.



Freshly made home-style mashed potatoes covered in thick, juicy gravy are a staple food.



Stuffing traditionally made for the Thanksgiving table.



Cranberry sauce to add a little color and fruity flavor to the autumnal feast.

Freshly baked dinner rolls add a tasty warmth to the holiday meal.

A tempting slice of pumpkin pie to round out a fine Thanksgiving dinner.

I can only image the gravy-slathered turkey chunks and lumpy mounds of mashed potatoes that stick to your plates. Oh, how I yearn for just a taste of that glorious food! Celebrate with your family by having them over for dinner, but do not make them the main course. Be a gracious host and you will not suffer as I have.

Happy Thanksgiving to the Righteous Living!

Cassandra's Cryptic Visions of the Future

My name is Cassandra.

I was once a princess of Troy, but after the war–when those cunning Greek warriors penetrated our city's defenses–I was abducted and made a concubine of General Agamemnon. I am the spoils of war–a prize for the Greeks because of my powers of prognostication.

I fear the spiteful blade of Clytaemnestra, whose anger towards her husband Agamemnon knows no bounds and does not bode well for me. Before my destined demise, I must convey to you three visions of the future. Make of them what you will.

Vision #1: The Great Fall

A champion of the people shall fall

By the swelling voices of his foes,

     Whose words maul

     And actions appall–

To his end, stand no other heroes.

Vision #2: The Rebuild

There will be a time of great pain,

There will be a time of great anguish.

     During the rain

     That spirals again–

All fires of vengeance shall extinguish.

Vision #3: The Halcyon Age

Out of the darkness and death shall arise

A new salvation for all of mankind

     Witnessed by eyes

     Of the newly wise–

Only the remnants of evil remain blind.

I must go. Farewell, Aeneas! You are our only hope.

Who made the hurricanes, Zeus or Poseidon?

Poseidon, am I.

I am the god of the seas and all tributaries around the world. I am responsible for earthquakes and the creator of horses. Zeus and Hades are my brothers. It has come to my attention recently that a few of you mortals are in some confusion over who is responsible for the manifestation of tropical cyclones.

In the final days of October 2012, those of you residing on the Eastern Seaboard of the United States were affected by a hurricane affectionately named "Sandy." A curious name, indeed, as the storm was more windy and rainy than sandy. Now I will teach you a few things about tropical cyclones to put your mind at ease.

Satellite image of Hurricane Sandy off the U.S. Eastern Coastline

Hurricanes are large funnels of wind and spiraling clouds that need warm, humid air to continue revolving and to maintain their power. Does my brother Zeus control these storms? No, of course he doesn't. These tropical cyclones form over warm waters—waters of my domain—such as those found near the equator. The storms generally travel from east to west. As the warm air rises, an area of low pressure results below. Higher pressure from the surrounding air passes in to the lower pressure area. Are you following me, mortal? Pay attention. This air then becomes warm and humid, rising like it did before. As the warm air rises, it quickly cools. Clouds are then formed by the water droplets in the rising air. This system is constantly fueled by the ocean's warmth and water evaporating upward from the surface. From this cycle, the pattern is set and the early stages of a typhoon begins to form.



Cross-section* view of a hurricane.

As the storm funnel spins faster and faster, an "eye" takes shape in the center. It may surprise you, mortal, but the eye of the storm is very calm and clear. When the rotating winds are measured at 39 miles per hour, then the phenomenon is referred to as a "tropical storm." Only when wind speeds reach and exceed 74 miles per hour does the storm officially become a hurricane or typhoon. Tropical cyclones categorized by their wind speeds:

Storm Category	Wind Speeds (mph)	Height of Storm Surge (ft)	Potential Landfall Damage
5	Exceeding 155	19 and above	Catastrophic
4	131 to 155	13 to 18	Extensive
3	111 to 130	9 to 12	High
2	96 to 110	6 to 8	Medium
1	74 to 95	4 to 5	Low

As you have learned, hurricanes—such as Sandy—are not concoctions of my brother Zeus, but are terrible and devastating toys of my creation. If not for my domain's warm waters, you would not have these spectacular storms. I have given life to these instruments of my power to remind you, mortals, that there are natural and divine forces you will never be able to comprehend or control.

*Source: NOAA

About



 Welcome, mortals!

My name is Zeus. You may know me through Greek mythology. I am the king of the Olympian gods and I am here to introduce a new method of communication–“the blog,” which serves as a link between deity and man.

Though centuries have passed, I and my fellow gods and goddesses have kept up with the times. This may surprise you, mortal, but we are well aware of the era in which you and your kind live. How you have managed to survive so long without the aid of the gods in your lives is truly remarkable, if not blasphemous. As we do not wish relegation to the past, we return from the dusty pages of ancient Greek history to this blog that we may share with you our divine views on various topics.

Our purpose is to enlighten and entertain.

Join us on a weekly basis when I–or one of my lesser brothers and sisters–communicate directly with you as we come…

LIVE from Mount Olympus!*

[*Please note: This Greek mythological blog is the creative effort and intellectual property of the mortal known as Andrew John Kamateros, who is a young married man in pursuit of a technical writing non-degree certificate from Pennsylvania State University. This blog exists to appease his ENGL 420 instructor and demigoddess, Karin Rex.]