Pan Revisited

It's me again, your favorite frolicking satyr Pan.

That insufferable Zeus has complained that not enough mortals have contributed to this LIVE from Mount Olympus! blog. He commanded me to somehow get you and other humans to post comments. Granted, blogging isn't as fun as fornicating with a dryad (or wood nymph), but I'm sure you have something to say or ask of us.

Over the course of these last 18 or so blog posts, you have either learned something interesting from us or have been entertained by the humor of the Greek gods, goddesses, and other mythic figures. It's true that not every deity or demi-god has spoken and not every topic has been broached. So, to get you more involved with Zeus and this blog, here is what I propose you do:

Contribute a comment to this blog post.

1.      Mention the name of your favorite Greek god, Greek goddess, or any Greek mythological character. Zeus will even accept the names of Roman equivalents, but please refrain from calling him "Jupiter" as he does not like that moniker.

2.      Present us with a topic or pose a question. Here are some examples:

a.       What is the meaning of life?

b.      What is the friendliest country to visit?

c.       Hairstyle comments, clothing critiques, and make-up tips.

d.      Which exercise equipment is best for losing weight?

e.       How many times can a satyr ejaculate before drying up?

3.      With your chosen Greek god and topic or question, you will be able to read the following week a new blog post in response to your comment. From examples above, you could ask the meaning of life from Thanatos, find out the friendliest place to visit from Hermes, receive beauty and fashion tips from Aphrodite, get gym equipment reviews from Heracles, and well—I can answer that last question for you after some extensive hands-on research.

So, let's read your comments, mortal. Don't be shy. Go ahead and make your voice heard...

LIVE from Mount Olympus!

Athena and Athens

Wisdom be to you, mortal, for I am the goddess Athena.

No other goddess has given her name to a whole society of educated and aristocratic humans than I. The Athenians of ancient Greece are my people. I make my presence known in all their affairs and I protect the city in times of war or political strife. I am the virgin goddess of wisdom, warfare, strategy, civilization, arts and crafts, mathematics, and law. These many not seem unusual to you, mortal, but how I was born might strike you as a bit odd.

My father Zeus lusted after and pursued Metis, a Titaness who embodied wisdom and craftiness. He eventually tricked Metis and impregnated her. A prophesy stated that any child born of Metis would grow to be more powerful than its biological father.

This greatly worried Zeus, who acted impetuously and swallowed Metis whole. Unfortunately for the ruler of Mount Olympus, this act did little to prevent the inevitable. My father's began to experience a headache so severe that his cries—in thunderous uproar—startled many of the other gods. His pain was quickly relieved as I burst from his cranium in full armor and carrying a double-headed axe, called a labrys, forged in the Minoan style (though others claim I carried a spear). I sprang forth into the world with a shrill battle cry so intense that even Ares took notice. And, of course, Hera was not pleased.

But I am not here to retell my story to you, mortal. I am here to tell you of Athens, Greece. For I love so much this metropolis that I protect it with every divine fiber in my being.

Athens, Greece
Athens is the capital city of Greece. It is one of the oldest known cities in the entire world—dating back some 3,400 years of recorded history. This antiquated metropolis is credited as being the "cradle of Western civilization," no doubt due to my divine inspiration and influence, and is the birthplace of the popular political system known as "democracy." Athens is where the ancient and modern Olympic Games started. Competition has always been at the heart of Athens and its people—even in ancient times when city-state's major warring opponent was mighty Sparta. Modern-day Athens competes with Greece's second largest city of Thessaloniki for the economic, industrial, political, and cultural center of Greece.

The glory of Athens lies in ruins. You will find many worthwhile places to visit:

·         The Acropolis, which includes the Parthenon—the classical temple dedicated to me

·         The 11th century Byzantine-style Daphni Monastery

·         The Hellenic Parliament building

·         National Library of Greece

·         Athens University

·         Academy of Athens

·         National Archaeological Museum

Of course, the cosmopolitan metropolis has many other ancient and modern attractions to keep even the most finicky tourist happy. So, dear mortal, come to Athens and witness the majesty of Greece as well as the warmth of its people!

Hestia and Homemaking

Welcome to my home, mortal! I am the goddess Hestia.

Come in. Have a seat. Make yourself comfortable. I will be your host. I have come to teach the young women gathered here how to keep and maintain a healthy domestic lifestyle. Who better to instruct you on such matters than the goddess of the home and hearth? You would not ask Aphrodite, for all she knows can be found in her mirror. You would not seek Artemis, because she is too busy chasing after woodland creatures. You would not inquire of Athena, though she is wise, her head is too heavy with the affairs of state—Athenian politics to be exact. And you would not bother Hera, because she doesn't even know how to keep her husband Zeus from straying. No, dear mortal, for there is no other goddess on Mount Olympus (or on the earth below) who can so adeptly guide you in all matters of the home. I am the domestic goddess!    

Cooking
A domesticated woman is only worth her salt if she is skilled in the culinary arts. As the goddess of the hearth, it is my primary responsibility to make sure meals are cooked or baked to the satisfaction of the entire family. To hear the grumbling belly sounds of hungry children causes my heart to sink within my womanly bosom. It is my duty to feed those I love—to love them and nourish them so that they may grow to be strong men and beautiful women.

Washing and Ironing Clothes
Outward appearance is important. What domesticated woman wants to see anyone in her family clothed in dirty, smelly rags? For whenever we step outside our homes, we are met by society and judged by our appearance in the eyes of others around us. This also holds true for deities. So every woman must be skilled in the washing and ironing of clothes—even with modern machinery to aid in these tasks—for that is one of the requirements of being a domestic goddess. After all, cleanliness is close to godliness.

Keeping the House Clean
Sweeping, dusting, putting things in their place, and just keeping general tidiness around the house are just a few of the tasks that a domesticated woman must accomplish. Keep the house clean of dirt and debris—not only for family, but for potential guests. You never know when you might be visited someday by a god or goddess disguised as a mortal, who comes to judge you and your worthiness as a human.  

Keeping the Man Happy
What woman does not hear the call of her husband? For what purpose does a woman marry a man if not to keep him happy? That is the unspoken duty of a domestic goddess—please your man first, before yourself. A woman who is skilled in cooking, washing and ironing the clothes, and keeping the house clean is a woman who will likely bring a smile to her man's face. But there is one other task that she must accomplish to truly satisfy him—giving of herself totally and utterly, body and soul. The true domestic goddess must yield to her husband's desires if she wishes to have a stable home and a long-lasting marriage.

Heed these words, my sisters, and you shall find peace in your lives. And remember, just as I do, so do you rule the hearth!

Pygmalion with Galatea and Dating Websites

I am the Cypriot sculptor named Pygmalion.

I wish to speak to you, my brothers and sisters, concerning my situation. For many years, I have been frustrated by the lack of suitable women to marry. Cyprus is full of women, but all the good ones seem to be taken. I simply wanted a woman to be my love and companion throughout life. I wish to be married in spiritual bond with the maiden of my dreams and please the gods in faithful worship. I am a goldsmith and sculptor by trade. I often locked myself in my studio to work on many projects—a distraction from the loneliness I felt on this island far from Mount Olympus and mainland Greece. Would the Olympian gods even hear my pleas from so far away?

I am the ivory sculpture called Galatea.

My name means "milky white" in Greek. I was the main project that Pygmalion so devotedly slaved over, day after day, in his cluttered sculpting studio. With careful attention to detail, he fashioned my curves—giving me the sensuous body of his fantasy woman. From my dainty hands and the beguiling expression on my face to my firm breasts and smooth thighs, Pygmalion carved away the loneliness he felt as he lovingly sculpted each inch of feminine figure. My creation was to honor the goddess Aphrodite, who took pity on poor Pygmalion and breathed life into my solid frame. Pygmalion's love for me knows no end and I, the wife he desired, will love him forever.

Pygmalion and Galatea speak together in unison.

We wish you, our beloved audience, the same happiness we have found together. We know that many of you are still single out there. For those desperately trying to find a companion, especially when the traditional methods have failed you, we suggest you try this new method: online dating websites.

OKCupid.com
When choosing an online dating website to meet your mate, it is best to go with websites that are 100% free. Why free? Free guarantees you won't fall for any online scams since you're not financially invested in the website. OKCupid.com is one such free website that incorporates some social games and other multimedia features (such as questionnaires) to keep a user entertained, especially if they're not having success finding a mate.  

PlentyofFish.com
The online dating scene is a big, vast ocean—enough to make Poseidon envious. If it is quantity and not quality you seek, then cast your line and reel in a winner at PlentyofFish.com. The catch of the day awaits you; however, be wary delving too deep in this abyss. The problem with this free dating website is the sheer volume of members, which can be a negative as it attracts many undesirables. But, as with all sorts of fishing, the ones that fail to impress the fisherman should be tossed back into the water.

ChristianDatingForFree.com
There are many singles websites that cater to particular individuals, whether they are based on race or ethnicity, age, socio-economic backgrounds, or even religious affiliation. One such website is ChristianDatingForFree.com, which is very similar to PlentyofFish.com in layout and profile creation. Many members of this singles website have a profound spiritual connection with Christ—as is witnessed by their profiles. If one is looking for a quick fling, ChristianDatingForFree.com will not satisfy since its members are devout people of faith looking for serious commitments.

DateinAsia.com
Another example of a singles website geared toward specific groups is the Asian-inspired site known as DateinAsia.com. This free online singles meeting place has members of various Asian cultures, such as Korean, Thai, Chinese, Vietnamese, and especially the Filipino culture. But not only Asians join this website since it is also popular with many Western men who have a sweet tooth for Asian women. Some have been lucky enough to meet in person, fall in love, and exchange wedding vows. It all depends on the sincerity of the member.

Remember, as someone looking for love online through singles dating websites, you should follow these online dating tips:

·         Be honest about who you are in your profile

·         Be honest about who you are looking for in your profile

·         Be realistic in the type of relationship you wish to find

·         Be respectful of other members since they are real people just like you

·         Don't send money or give away too much personal information

·         Don't expect to find love right away (be patient)

·         Get to know the person better before planning to meet him or her

·         And if you are a single parent, protect your children by not exposing them (in your profile) to potential online predators who may frequent singles websites.

Feel free to post a comment below and tell us your success stories or tales of horror in seeking love online. And wherever destiny directs you or wherever the gods guide you, may you find the love of your life!

Artemis and Archery

Quiver before me, for I am the goddess Artemis.

I am the world-renowned huntress and—with my golden bow and divine arrows—I make stags my prey. There is nothing more exciting than the hunt. To chase and take down one's quarry is the height of venery. It always brings me such pleasure. Forgive me if I neglected to properly introduce myself. I am Artemis, the goddess of the hunt—of wild beasts and the woodlands in which they dwell. I am a chaste and virtuous deity, which makes me the ideal guardian of prepubescent girls and their sacred virginity. No man or satyr shall violate the innocence of young maidens while I can still draw my bow and arrows. Great woe upon he who pursues the huntress!

Though I am vestal in nature and undefiled in body and though I have been the carnal focus of many gods and mortal men, I do possess one passionate love in this world. His name is Orion, my companion hunter. Together we share the pleasure of cynegetics with our adept and tenacious hunting dogs.

There is, however, one who does not share the joy of the hunt with his own dogs—and it is he who is called Actaeon. The fool stumbled upon me in the woods as I was bathing. Forbidden of mortals to marvel at the naked beauty of a goddess, so I had to punish him for his egregious transgression. First, I took away his ability to speak. This prevented him from communicating with his hounds. Next, I turned him into a stag. He was then set upon by his own faithful dogs, who chased their master not knowing his true identity—oh, the delicious irony! Not one arrow from my infinitely-supplied quiver did I expend to punish Actaeon.

I am here at the behest of Zeus to discuss with you, mortal, the fine martial art of archery. Take what knowledge I impart and use it to improve your own hunting skills.

The basic mechanics of firing a bow is to pull back on the bowstring and propel the arrow towards your target. There are two methods of aiming at your target: mechanical sights and what is known as "barebow."

Mechanical sights are any enhancements to the bow that allow for visual targeting, such as a pin or optical device that allows for distant viewing. Yet truly skilled archers do not rely on mechanical sights.

Barebow incorporates the techniques of instinctive shooting. The archer has no visual aid, other than the eyes. When following a moving prey, it is important to focus on a point just in front of the target—depending on the distance—so that the arrow does not overshoot. This is called "leading the target." As the target moves left to right, the bowman keeps the bow and arrow fixed just ahead of the prey's predicted course so that when the arrow flies, it will reach the same point and place as the target.

All this leads us to bow hunting. This sport is a game of distance. The closer the archer is to the prey, the more humane the kill. Woodland creatures frighten easily, therefore, the exceptional bow hunter must be skilled in the art of stealth and stalking as well as archery.

As the call of the hunt beckons me, I must leave you now, mortal. If you desire more archery instruction, then learn more from a Minnesota Bow Expert by reading his bow hunting tips.

Dionysius and Drinking

Cheers–*hiccup*–, mortals! I am the god Dionysius.

I am the god of wine, drunken–*hiccup*–revelries, youthful orgies, and ecstatic madness. I am perhaps the oldest, best-known, and most worshipped deity of the ancient world--with cults honoring me from the fiercely independent Greek city-states and islands to Egypt and stretching throughout Mesopotamia to even the Far East regions. Why am I so popular? Fool, it is quite simple–*hiccup*–I'm a party god! I do not require mortals to worship me directly, but to revere the divine vine and the barley harvest. I make mortals feel good about their existence, even if they lead miserable, down-trodden lives. A small cup or glass or mere shot of alcohol always serves to wake up the senses and loosen the morals, even of the most strictest of dullards.

Pentheus was not aware of the power of potent potables. My ardent followers, the Maenads, a bunch of wildly intoxicated women, tore poor Pentheus to pieces for attempting to impose order and ban drinking. Ban–*hiccup*–drinking? The insolence! Did not the gods provide the ingredients from Demeter's garden so that meager man may concoct a spirited liquid to free himself of mortality, even for a moment? To drink is to escape from the ache of laborious work, from the pain of lost love or no love at all, from the hopelessness of a desperate situation, and even from the sting of life itself. So why ban it? There is no reason to keep such sweet–*hiccup*–nectar from the lips of humans who seek the ecstatic and orgiastic revelry that I am so famous for. Let men and women rejoice! For I am–*hiccup*–Dionysius and I offer you this drink!

Come now, mortals, let us review three local drinks that are favorites among the Greeks.

Ouzo
Ouzo is Greek, make no mistake about it. This popular Mediterranean aperitif is identified as a uniquely Greek traditional drink, much like vodka represents the Russian culture. It is believed that ouzo was first created from copper stills on the island of Lesvos, where it is still mass produced today. Others believe it ouzo was a version of tsipouro distilled by monks on Mount Athos, but flavored with anise—a flowering plant with a mild licorice taste. Ouzo is a transparent liquid (with a minimum of 37.5% proof alcohol content) as clear as water; however, when water is added to ouzo, it turns cloudy white. Many Greeks drink ouzo straight, with ice, or as shots either before or after a meal. Ouzo is also popular with appetizers known in Greek as "mezedes." Tsantali is one of Greece's most popular brands of ouzo.

Tsipouro
Tsipouro is another custom Greek drink, the forerunner of ouzo, containing a minimum of 45% alcohol by volume. Tsipouro is a referred to as a "pomace brandy," which is distilled from the pressed grape remnants following traditional winemaking. Tsipouro has the distinction of being made by 14th century Greek Orthodox monks from Mount Athos, much like the creation of Cappuccino (coffee) is credited to the capuchin ("hood-wearing") monks of Italy. Tsipouro has the same liquid transparency of ouzo and also turns cloudy white when water is added. There is, however, one or two differences between tsipouro and ouzo—tsipouro usually lacks the anise flavor and is sipped straight from shot glasses due to its strong alcohol content. Tsipouro also has the same dubious reputation of moonshine since many amateur distillers seek to make their own unlicensed versions high in the mountains of the Greek mainland.

Retsina
Retsina is a dry white wine with a history of production and human consumption no less than 2,000 years in the Mediterranean region. Retsina's flavor comes from tree resins, particularly those of local Aleppo pine trees. The pine resin may give it a slightly yellowish hue. Retsina is popular in Attica, the area in and around Athens. For wine connoisseurs, retsina is an acquired taste and is much less sweeter than internationally renowned wines from France and Italy. Some may even consider retsina solely as a table wine—with 10 to 12% alcohol content—good enough to be enjoyed with dinner.

My dear mortals, before I depart this Delta Tau Chi fraternity party in my white and golden Greek key trimmed toga, I must ask a question of you. What is your favorite–*hiccup*–adult beverage? Post a comment and describe for me the one drink you could not live without. And if you are curious as to the social significance of your preferred potable, then simply visit this Men's Health article for more information on what your drink order says about you.

Bottoms up!

Persephone and the Pomegranate

I am Persephone.

I am the daughter of Demeter, the goddess of agriculture and the harvest. My mother and I are very close. We live a simple, idyllic life. We plant seeds in the fields and reap the fruits of our labor during the seasonal harvest period. In ancient times, my mother and I were worshipped among farmers and agrarian societies all along the Mediterranean basin. My mother even had many cults devoted to her. Mortals feared that if they did not appease my mother, she would not grant them a bountiful crop and, during that harvest, the people would starve. My mother Demeter can be emotional sometimes, so it is best not to anger her.

As it came to be one fateful day as I was gathering flowers in the fields, Hades—the ruler of Tartarus—appeared out of a fissure in the ground and abducted me. I was raped—violently taken kicking-and-screaming down to his infernal domain. I was to become his trophy bride and inherit the title of "Queen of the Underworld." But I vehemently protested and refused. My mother Demeter searched far and wide, across all land covering every stretch of earth, to find me. It was the all-seeing sun god Helios who revealed the abduction to my mother. Her anger turned to rage and she caused the fields to dry up and all the plants and vegetables became inedible. Mortals, like you, began to starve. Their pleas were heard even as high up as Mount Olympus. People began to stop worshipping the gods and Zeus had to act quickly. He negotiated with Hades, who released me, but with one condition—I was not to eat anything as I made my way out of his lair and back to my mother. Should I eat anything, the deal would be broken and I would have to marry him.

My hunger was too great. I had carried with me a lone pomegranate. I tore it open and ate only six seeds, yet my fate was sealed the moment the pomegranate juice ran down my throat. I had become the wife of Hades, but an arrangement was made that I could spend six months out of the year with Demeter and the other six months with my husband Hades. Six seeds for six months.

During the time I am with my mother, the earth experiences Spring and Summer, the months when planting seeds and nurturing crops is best. During the time I am with my sulky husband, the earth experiences a transition similar to death—trees lose their leaves in the Autumn and the ground becomes too solid for planting seeds due to the Winter cold. All this seasonal transition is due to the pomegranate that I ate.

But pomegranates are good for mortals. Here is a list of some benefits of eating pomegranates:

1.      Pomegranates are a rich, natural source of key vitamins A, C, and E as well as folic acid.

2.      Pomegranates contain high levels of antioxidants and nutrients that keep LDL ("bad cholesterol") from forming in the blood, which reduces the risk of heart disease.

3.      Pomegranate juice contains iron, which can supply the bloodstream and help fight symptoms of anemia, such as fatigue, dizziness, weakness, and even loss of hearing.

4.      Pomegranate juice and extracts can lower blood pressure naturally—helping to prevent heart attacks and strokes.

5.      Pomegranates contain certain nutrients that boost the immune system and help fight certain types of cancer, like colon cancer, breast cancer, and even prostate cancer.

Unfortunately, one result of eating pomegranates is not so beneficial—becoming the captive bride of a damnable husband who rules over the dead. Eat those pomegranate seeds with caution, dear mortal!

Orpheus and Music

I am Orpheus, the musician of Greek legends.

With my exceptional skill playing the lyre, I can soften even the stoniest of hearts. Animals, flowers, trees, and the very rocks of nature themselves are moved by my sorrowful music. Why are my songs so full of sorrow, you ask? I will tell you, fellow mortal. I had one love in this world. Only one. Her name was Eurydice. My fair and beautiful wife Eurydice, who could steal my heart and soul with just one of her sweet kisses. I loved her so. One fateful day, she was chased by a satyr who greedily lusted after her.

My poor Eurydice! In her efforts to escape the beast, she was bitten on the ankle by a poisonous snake hiding in the tall meadow grass. Her spirit departed this world. I mourned her death beyond all sorrow. I could not be consoled and the music I played was so saddening that the Gods allowed me to travel to the underworld. There I was, before the infernal ruler Hades and his wife Persephone, playing my lyre and moving them both to tears. They granted my wish that Eurydice be allowed to return with me; however, there was a strict condition placed upon me. I would not be permitted to turn and look back at my love until we both reached the surface. If I did look back and violated this condition set by Hades, then her spirit would return to the depths of Tartarus—never to see the living world again. As I reached the surface before my wife, I hastily looked back to see if Eurydice had also found her way out. She did not and her spirit immediately vanished. Never would I see her again. Since then, the music I played was mournful, to express my eternal grief in losing my wife. Until the end of my days in this world, I have never again played to the joys of gods, mortal, or even nature.

Aside from my personal story, you may be curious about music.

·         What is the nature of music?

·         What makes music move us all so deeply?

·         Is it the lyrics of a song or the sound of the notes that make the music?

These are questions I will answer for you.

What is the nature of music?
Gods and mortals were given ears, so that they may hear. The world around us is composed of various sounds and noises. Music, broken down into notes, is the combination of those sounds that bring pleasure to the ears.

What makes music move us all so deeply?
We are moved deeply by music because the sounds work in our minds to inspire emotions and stir memories. For example, heavy drum beats can affect warlike feelings in soldiers or fanciful flute melodies can affect romance in the hearts of lovers. I should know the power of these sounds, because my music has been used to drown out the Sirens' call when I voyaged with Jason and the Argonauts.

Is it the lyrics of a song or the sound of the notes that make the music?
I must also settle the debate as to whether music is about the melody or the lyrics. If you ask most musicians today, they will probably tell you that the beat is established before the lyrics are written. Lyrics can be adjusted as the sounds are played. There are famous examples in music where no lyrics can fill in the awkward gaps, so you hear the lyrics try to mimic the sounds. "Strangers in the Night" sung by Frank Sinatra has just such lapse in meaningful lyrics where in the song you hear him sing doo-bee-doo-bee-doo and la-dah-dah-dah-dee-dah—as if the songwriter had no other choice. In some songs, this is acceptable. No one ever criticized Sinatra for singing "Strangers in the Night" as it is a classic love song. Sinatra was an astounding singer. True musicians are masters of the beat.

Let there be no doubt in the minds of mortals—music would not be music without rhythmic sounds, because lyrics alone are merely poems. Now please, dear followers, I must be left alone to play my painful dirge in memory of my loving wife, Eurydice.

Thanatos versus The Grim Reaper

Mortal, I am the embodiment of death! Call me Thanatos.

I am feared and loathed by mankind, but the gods pay me no heed—for they are immortal and cannot die. I am not a god, but a daemon. The ancient Greeks refer to daemons as nature spirits that possess the same characteristics as mortals and gods. I have existed since the beginning of all things. For everything that is born and lives, must also someday cease and die. My sole function is rather simple as I bring the end of days to humans. I guide their lifeless spirits to the underworld in the role of a psychopomp, like Hermes, by bringing them to Charon. If these souls can pay Charon the proper tribute, then he will ferry them across the river Styx—closer to Hades.


I do not distinguish between the good and the bad, the strong and the weak, or the holy and the blasphemous. I merely carry out the orders of the three Moirai sisters, The Fates, who rule and determine the destinies of all mortals. I come in times of great sadness and in times of much tribulation. I am present on the battlefields and by the bedsides of the terminally ill. I come suddenly to the foolish; I walk slowly toward the wise. I am the beginning of your end. I am silence. I am quietus.

I wish to speak of my displeasure—of a pretender who has assumed my role and has become more popular (or infamous) to mortals than I. I speak of the malevolent, cloaked, skeletal figure known as "The Grim Reaper," who uses his sharp scythe to harvest souls. Who is this daemon? How dare he intrude on my turf? I can no longer tolerate this usurper. I must appeal to you, mortal, who would you trust your pitiful soul to—a brash, bony, human anatomy model or me, Thanatos, the benevolent guide of the dead?

Take a good look at the Grim Reaper. Does he truly frighten you, mortals? Does his feeble skeletal frame remind you of the fleshless fate your body will achieve after death? Does his large curved scythe spark fear in your soul as you imagine one fatal swing across your soft, frail body? He is a caricature of me. He does not possess the power over mortals that I do. He merely operates out of fear. This imposter comes out of the shadows to reveal himself. But I am real. I am hidden. I perform my duties with the utmost professionalism of an undertaker, yet I ask for no praise or reward. I am a winged youth, like Eros (Aphrodite's son), and I carry a sword. My symbol is the inverted torch. And when I come for you, I come to take you in peace—not violently.

Leave a comment as to whom you prefer as the epitome of death. If you choose me, then you will receive a special reward. Some fateful day, when the Moirai sisters send me to collect your soul, I promise to take the long, meandering, scenic route to meet you. So until then, mortal, live well.

Pan and Mythic Creatures

I am the satyr Pan.

I am worshipped in Arcadia as a god. I am half man, half goat, and one hundred percent horny. Well, what did you expect of a satyr? I spend most of my time playing music on a hollow reed flute. When I need a little excitement, I chase after sexy nymphs and attempt to rape them with my ithyphallic appendage. I, along with many of my fellow satyrs, accompany Dionysius in many of his drunken debaucheries. We would often cavort with many of the dizzy-dancing, scantily-clad maenads—those wanton women inebriated from Dionysius's own divine wine barrel. Drinking, fucking, and flute-playing...what a decadent lifestyle! Ah, don't you just love me? I contain the raw hedonistic spirit of every testosterone-fueled mortal male within me. Don't deny it, gentlemen, you wish you could get away with half the things I do! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! But foolish mortals have laws against committing fun and frivolity. Satyrs do not abide by the strait-laced laws of man. We live freely and do as we please, so long as it pleases us!

Zeus has asked me—nay, commanded me—to contribute a few words to educate the mortals visiting this blog. Very well, I thought. Why not discuss a couple of mythological creatures? I'm sure you will enjoy a few entries from Zeus's favorite bestiary.

Centaur
The Centaur is a composite creature, part man and part horse. The human's upper body and torso (at the waist) seem to blend into the horse's body (at the neck or chest) to form the two-in-one beast. Centaurs are said to be from the Mount Pelion region of Greece, bordering the port city of ancient Iolcos—from where Jason and the Argonauts set sail in search of the Golden Fleece. The centaur Chiron was considered a wise teacher and Achilles was one of his pupils.


Harpy
The Harpy is a winged creature with the head and breasts of a woman on the body of a large bird with razor-sharp talons. Harpies are ugly beasts that were sent to torment blind Phineus by stealing his food. Phineus was grateful when Jason and the Argonauts came to rescue him. He warned Jason of the clashing rocks known as the Symplegades and how to pass them without damaging his ship.

Hydra
The Hydra is a reptilian water monster with snake-like features, particularly its strong scales and slithering body. The hydra of Lake Lerna—referred to as the Lernaean Hydra—had many heads. Heracles was sent to dispatch the beast in one of his famous "Twelve Labors." However, as the Greek strong man quickly discovered, when he cut off one head, two others quickly grew and replaced the severed head. To solve this problem and defeat the monster, Heracles then called upon Iolaus to torch the stump whenever he cut off one of the hydra's heads. Hera, displeased by the sight of Heracles's cleverness, sent a giant crab (known as Karkinos) to distract the hero before he could complete his task. But Heracles simply crushed the crab underfoot and finished slaying the Lernaean Hydra.

Chimera
The Chimera is a fierce fire-breathing monster put together like a mismatched jigsaw puzzle. The beast's insane design features a lion's head and body, the neck and head of a goat emerging from the lion's torso, and a serpentine tail ending in a vile viper's head. The chimera is truly the stuff of human nightmares. But fear not—for the chimera was slain by Bellerophon astride the gallant winged horse, Pegasus.

There are many other beasts that the ancient Greeks speak of in myth, but in all honesty, I find this shit boring. I'm thirsty and I want a fuck. Time to go find a naiad and fulfill both desires! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Come back and visit me again, mortal, as I have no doubt you will hear more from me in the future.