Pan and Mythic Creatures

I am the satyr Pan.

I am worshipped in Arcadia as a god. I am half man, half goat, and one hundred percent horny. Well, what did you expect of a satyr? I spend most of my time playing music on a hollow reed flute. When I need a little excitement, I chase after sexy nymphs and attempt to rape them with my ithyphallic appendage. I, along with many of my fellow satyrs, accompany Dionysius in many of his drunken debaucheries. We would often cavort with many of the dizzy-dancing, scantily-clad maenads—those wanton women inebriated from Dionysius's own divine wine barrel. Drinking, fucking, and flute-playing...what a decadent lifestyle! Ah, don't you just love me? I contain the raw hedonistic spirit of every testosterone-fueled mortal male within me. Don't deny it, gentlemen, you wish you could get away with half the things I do! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! But foolish mortals have laws against committing fun and frivolity. Satyrs do not abide by the strait-laced laws of man. We live freely and do as we please, so long as it pleases us!

Zeus has asked me—nay, commanded me—to contribute a few words to educate the mortals visiting this blog. Very well, I thought. Why not discuss a couple of mythological creatures? I'm sure you will enjoy a few entries from Zeus's favorite bestiary.

Centaur
The Centaur is a composite creature, part man and part horse. The human's upper body and torso (at the waist) seem to blend into the horse's body (at the neck or chest) to form the two-in-one beast. Centaurs are said to be from the Mount Pelion region of Greece, bordering the port city of ancient Iolcos—from where Jason and the Argonauts set sail in search of the Golden Fleece. The centaur Chiron was considered a wise teacher and Achilles was one of his pupils.


Harpy
The Harpy is a winged creature with the head and breasts of a woman on the body of a large bird with razor-sharp talons. Harpies are ugly beasts that were sent to torment blind Phineus by stealing his food. Phineus was grateful when Jason and the Argonauts came to rescue him. He warned Jason of the clashing rocks known as the Symplegades and how to pass them without damaging his ship.

Hydra
The Hydra is a reptilian water monster with snake-like features, particularly its strong scales and slithering body. The hydra of Lake Lerna—referred to as the Lernaean Hydra—had many heads. Heracles was sent to dispatch the beast in one of his famous "Twelve Labors." However, as the Greek strong man quickly discovered, when he cut off one head, two others quickly grew and replaced the severed head. To solve this problem and defeat the monster, Heracles then called upon Iolaus to torch the stump whenever he cut off one of the hydra's heads. Hera, displeased by the sight of Heracles's cleverness, sent a giant crab (known as Karkinos) to distract the hero before he could complete his task. But Heracles simply crushed the crab underfoot and finished slaying the Lernaean Hydra.

Chimera
The Chimera is a fierce fire-breathing monster put together like a mismatched jigsaw puzzle. The beast's insane design features a lion's head and body, the neck and head of a goat emerging from the lion's torso, and a serpentine tail ending in a vile viper's head. The chimera is truly the stuff of human nightmares. But fear not—for the chimera was slain by Bellerophon astride the gallant winged horse, Pegasus.

There are many other beasts that the ancient Greeks speak of in myth, but in all honesty, I find this shit boring. I'm thirsty and I want a fuck. Time to go find a naiad and fulfill both desires! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Come back and visit me again, mortal, as I have no doubt you will hear more from me in the future.