I am not a god, just a mortal like you. But unlike you, I am a handsome youth. I'm beyond beautiful. There hasn't been a word invented yet to describe my incredibly alluring looks. Don't blame yourself. Don't blame your lover for pursuing me over you. I am simply too winsome to be resisted by any woman—or man. But I detest the affections of others. They mean nothing to me. They do not even compare to me. There can be only one truly attractive man in this world—and I am he. What? Does my vanity insult you? Very well, then look away. Better yet, I will look away instead, because the sight of you is most unappealing. Hark! A pond! And what's this I see? Is it the water's surface? No. Someone is looking back at me. Who is this man? He is too gorgeous for mere words. By Zeus, I'm enthralled! I cannot stop staring at him. His gaze has me trapped. I cannot move. Will I suffer such a cruel fate—to live, wilt, and die like some transfixed flower upon the water's edge?
Alas, I am undone! My vainglorious self-absorption has become my downfall. Vanity, fellow mortals, is perhaps the deadliest trait of humanity. Be wary! I have seen it in you. I have seen it on your four-wheeled chariot. What do you call them—"vanity plates"? Yes. From the sublime to the ridiculous, I have witnessed many vehicular vanity plates and can only wonder what possessed the owners to register them.
Let us look at some examples:
A straightforward license plate issued in Oklahoma that perhaps describes the occupation or preferred hobby of the vehicle's owner. This is the most common form as you will find people who get vanity license plates with their profession or favorite pastime on them. For example, a dentist might have the plate: TOOTH DR.
Misspellings are clever attempts to make a statement. Here we see the possible vanity plate of a teacher from Virginia. "Education" seems to be lacking or an ironic message is at work. As the combinations of available spaces and alphanumeric characters become more difficult to find or use, vehicle owners have to be more creative in figuring out vanity plate words that suit them.
Sometimes, the spaces available on a license plate just don't add up. Here we have a die-hard heavy metal music fan in California who wants his favorite band on his vanity plate. The problem is overcome with a little creativity as the band's name "Metallica" has the middle portion on the plate with stickers of the stylized "M" and "A" on either end of the tag. Matches the band's logo quite cleverly, I must admit.
There are other times when vehicle owners use humor to describe their professions. Here we see an example of a tardy Arizona lawyer who seems to be "late for court." I think it would be even funnier if an automobile next to this one in the courtroom parking lot had a license plate that read: "OVR RULD."
And well, there are just some misanthropic individuals out there who want to get their anti-social message across loud and clear. There's not much else you can say about the person in Maryland who has this vanity plate. He or she seems to "h8 pepl" (i.e., "hate people"), yet no bumper sticker indicates if this person is an animal lover instead.
As if every driver out on the road didn't have at least one incident of road rage, then here we have an unmistakable warning from a female motorist in Oregon who will raise hell if any driver cuts her off. So be warned all you responsible drivers out there on the West Coast of America, don't even think about trying to overtake the woman behind the wheel of this vehicle.
And we finally come to the last category of vanity license plates: vulgar or obscene tags. This is the license plate of those who not only rebel against convention, but who also want to make the loudest statement of all, by using profanity. These attention-seeking whores (both men and women) want to shock you with their clever messages and how they were able to get their otherwise inappropriate license plate approved by the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) in their state. Here we have a very creative effort from a motorist in Michigan who is either an ingenious proctologist or just a plain smart-ass. Right-side-up, the license plate is a harmless collection of numbers and letters. However, there is a hidden message to be found by tailgating sleuths. The offensive word becomes more apparent if you merely turn (or view) the tag upside-down and decipher the simple one-word message being conveyed: ASSHOLE. Ah, such class! And people hate me because I'm so vain.
I have seen other specialty tags that I thought were fairly clever, such as the Pennsylvania vanity plate that revealed its owner's gender and occupation: "XY RN" (i.e., "male nurse"). Hmm, I am curious. What do you think would be an appropriate vanity plate for me? Let me know your ideas by posting a comment. Until next time, see you in the mirror, fellow mortal!
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