Dionysius and Drinking

Cheers–*hiccup*–, mortals! I am the god Dionysius.

I am the god of wine, drunken–*hiccup*–revelries, youthful orgies, and ecstatic madness. I am perhaps the oldest, best-known, and most worshipped deity of the ancient world--with cults honoring me from the fiercely independent Greek city-states and islands to Egypt and stretching throughout Mesopotamia to even the Far East regions. Why am I so popular? Fool, it is quite simple–*hiccup*–I'm a party god! I do not require mortals to worship me directly, but to revere the divine vine and the barley harvest. I make mortals feel good about their existence, even if they lead miserable, down-trodden lives. A small cup or glass or mere shot of alcohol always serves to wake up the senses and loosen the morals, even of the most strictest of dullards.

Pentheus was not aware of the power of potent potables. My ardent followers, the Maenads, a bunch of wildly intoxicated women, tore poor Pentheus to pieces for attempting to impose order and ban drinking. Ban–*hiccup*–drinking? The insolence! Did not the gods provide the ingredients from Demeter's garden so that meager man may concoct a spirited liquid to free himself of mortality, even for a moment? To drink is to escape from the ache of laborious work, from the pain of lost love or no love at all, from the hopelessness of a desperate situation, and even from the sting of life itself. So why ban it? There is no reason to keep such sweet–*hiccup*–nectar from the lips of humans who seek the ecstatic and orgiastic revelry that I am so famous for. Let men and women rejoice! For I am–*hiccup*–Dionysius and I offer you this drink!

Come now, mortals, let us review three local drinks that are favorites among the Greeks.

Ouzo
Ouzo is Greek, make no mistake about it. This popular Mediterranean aperitif is identified as a uniquely Greek traditional drink, much like vodka represents the Russian culture. It is believed that ouzo was first created from copper stills on the island of Lesvos, where it is still mass produced today. Others believe it ouzo was a version of tsipouro distilled by monks on Mount Athos, but flavored with anise—a flowering plant with a mild licorice taste. Ouzo is a transparent liquid (with a minimum of 37.5% proof alcohol content) as clear as water; however, when water is added to ouzo, it turns cloudy white. Many Greeks drink ouzo straight, with ice, or as shots either before or after a meal. Ouzo is also popular with appetizers known in Greek as "mezedes." Tsantali is one of Greece's most popular brands of ouzo.

Tsipouro
Tsipouro is another custom Greek drink, the forerunner of ouzo, containing a minimum of 45% alcohol by volume. Tsipouro is a referred to as a "pomace brandy," which is distilled from the pressed grape remnants following traditional winemaking. Tsipouro has the distinction of being made by 14th century Greek Orthodox monks from Mount Athos, much like the creation of Cappuccino (coffee) is credited to the capuchin ("hood-wearing") monks of Italy. Tsipouro has the same liquid transparency of ouzo and also turns cloudy white when water is added. There is, however, one or two differences between tsipouro and ouzo—tsipouro usually lacks the anise flavor and is sipped straight from shot glasses due to its strong alcohol content. Tsipouro also has the same dubious reputation of moonshine since many amateur distillers seek to make their own unlicensed versions high in the mountains of the Greek mainland.

Retsina
Retsina is a dry white wine with a history of production and human consumption no less than 2,000 years in the Mediterranean region. Retsina's flavor comes from tree resins, particularly those of local Aleppo pine trees. The pine resin may give it a slightly yellowish hue. Retsina is popular in Attica, the area in and around Athens. For wine connoisseurs, retsina is an acquired taste and is much less sweeter than internationally renowned wines from France and Italy. Some may even consider retsina solely as a table wine—with 10 to 12% alcohol content—good enough to be enjoyed with dinner.

My dear mortals, before I depart this Delta Tau Chi fraternity party in my white and golden Greek key trimmed toga, I must ask a question of you. What is your favorite–*hiccup*–adult beverage? Post a comment and describe for me the one drink you could not live without. And if you are curious as to the social significance of your preferred potable, then simply visit this Men's Health article for more information on what your drink order says about you.

Bottoms up!

Persephone and the Pomegranate

I am Persephone.

I am the daughter of Demeter, the goddess of agriculture and the harvest. My mother and I are very close. We live a simple, idyllic life. We plant seeds in the fields and reap the fruits of our labor during the seasonal harvest period. In ancient times, my mother and I were worshipped among farmers and agrarian societies all along the Mediterranean basin. My mother even had many cults devoted to her. Mortals feared that if they did not appease my mother, she would not grant them a bountiful crop and, during that harvest, the people would starve. My mother Demeter can be emotional sometimes, so it is best not to anger her.

As it came to be one fateful day as I was gathering flowers in the fields, Hades—the ruler of Tartarus—appeared out of a fissure in the ground and abducted me. I was raped—violently taken kicking-and-screaming down to his infernal domain. I was to become his trophy bride and inherit the title of "Queen of the Underworld." But I vehemently protested and refused. My mother Demeter searched far and wide, across all land covering every stretch of earth, to find me. It was the all-seeing sun god Helios who revealed the abduction to my mother. Her anger turned to rage and she caused the fields to dry up and all the plants and vegetables became inedible. Mortals, like you, began to starve. Their pleas were heard even as high up as Mount Olympus. People began to stop worshipping the gods and Zeus had to act quickly. He negotiated with Hades, who released me, but with one condition—I was not to eat anything as I made my way out of his lair and back to my mother. Should I eat anything, the deal would be broken and I would have to marry him.

My hunger was too great. I had carried with me a lone pomegranate. I tore it open and ate only six seeds, yet my fate was sealed the moment the pomegranate juice ran down my throat. I had become the wife of Hades, but an arrangement was made that I could spend six months out of the year with Demeter and the other six months with my husband Hades. Six seeds for six months.

During the time I am with my mother, the earth experiences Spring and Summer, the months when planting seeds and nurturing crops is best. During the time I am with my sulky husband, the earth experiences a transition similar to death—trees lose their leaves in the Autumn and the ground becomes too solid for planting seeds due to the Winter cold. All this seasonal transition is due to the pomegranate that I ate.

But pomegranates are good for mortals. Here is a list of some benefits of eating pomegranates:

1.      Pomegranates are a rich, natural source of key vitamins A, C, and E as well as folic acid.

2.      Pomegranates contain high levels of antioxidants and nutrients that keep LDL ("bad cholesterol") from forming in the blood, which reduces the risk of heart disease.

3.      Pomegranate juice contains iron, which can supply the bloodstream and help fight symptoms of anemia, such as fatigue, dizziness, weakness, and even loss of hearing.

4.      Pomegranate juice and extracts can lower blood pressure naturally—helping to prevent heart attacks and strokes.

5.      Pomegranates contain certain nutrients that boost the immune system and help fight certain types of cancer, like colon cancer, breast cancer, and even prostate cancer.

Unfortunately, one result of eating pomegranates is not so beneficial—becoming the captive bride of a damnable husband who rules over the dead. Eat those pomegranate seeds with caution, dear mortal!

Orpheus and Music

I am Orpheus, the musician of Greek legends.

With my exceptional skill playing the lyre, I can soften even the stoniest of hearts. Animals, flowers, trees, and the very rocks of nature themselves are moved by my sorrowful music. Why are my songs so full of sorrow, you ask? I will tell you, fellow mortal. I had one love in this world. Only one. Her name was Eurydice. My fair and beautiful wife Eurydice, who could steal my heart and soul with just one of her sweet kisses. I loved her so. One fateful day, she was chased by a satyr who greedily lusted after her.

My poor Eurydice! In her efforts to escape the beast, she was bitten on the ankle by a poisonous snake hiding in the tall meadow grass. Her spirit departed this world. I mourned her death beyond all sorrow. I could not be consoled and the music I played was so saddening that the Gods allowed me to travel to the underworld. There I was, before the infernal ruler Hades and his wife Persephone, playing my lyre and moving them both to tears. They granted my wish that Eurydice be allowed to return with me; however, there was a strict condition placed upon me. I would not be permitted to turn and look back at my love until we both reached the surface. If I did look back and violated this condition set by Hades, then her spirit would return to the depths of Tartarus—never to see the living world again. As I reached the surface before my wife, I hastily looked back to see if Eurydice had also found her way out. She did not and her spirit immediately vanished. Never would I see her again. Since then, the music I played was mournful, to express my eternal grief in losing my wife. Until the end of my days in this world, I have never again played to the joys of gods, mortal, or even nature.

Aside from my personal story, you may be curious about music.

·         What is the nature of music?

·         What makes music move us all so deeply?

·         Is it the lyrics of a song or the sound of the notes that make the music?

These are questions I will answer for you.

What is the nature of music?
Gods and mortals were given ears, so that they may hear. The world around us is composed of various sounds and noises. Music, broken down into notes, is the combination of those sounds that bring pleasure to the ears.

What makes music move us all so deeply?
We are moved deeply by music because the sounds work in our minds to inspire emotions and stir memories. For example, heavy drum beats can affect warlike feelings in soldiers or fanciful flute melodies can affect romance in the hearts of lovers. I should know the power of these sounds, because my music has been used to drown out the Sirens' call when I voyaged with Jason and the Argonauts.

Is it the lyrics of a song or the sound of the notes that make the music?
I must also settle the debate as to whether music is about the melody or the lyrics. If you ask most musicians today, they will probably tell you that the beat is established before the lyrics are written. Lyrics can be adjusted as the sounds are played. There are famous examples in music where no lyrics can fill in the awkward gaps, so you hear the lyrics try to mimic the sounds. "Strangers in the Night" sung by Frank Sinatra has just such lapse in meaningful lyrics where in the song you hear him sing doo-bee-doo-bee-doo and la-dah-dah-dah-dee-dah—as if the songwriter had no other choice. In some songs, this is acceptable. No one ever criticized Sinatra for singing "Strangers in the Night" as it is a classic love song. Sinatra was an astounding singer. True musicians are masters of the beat.

Let there be no doubt in the minds of mortals—music would not be music without rhythmic sounds, because lyrics alone are merely poems. Now please, dear followers, I must be left alone to play my painful dirge in memory of my loving wife, Eurydice.

Thanatos versus The Grim Reaper

Mortal, I am the embodiment of death! Call me Thanatos.

I am feared and loathed by mankind, but the gods pay me no heed—for they are immortal and cannot die. I am not a god, but a daemon. The ancient Greeks refer to daemons as nature spirits that possess the same characteristics as mortals and gods. I have existed since the beginning of all things. For everything that is born and lives, must also someday cease and die. My sole function is rather simple as I bring the end of days to humans. I guide their lifeless spirits to the underworld in the role of a psychopomp, like Hermes, by bringing them to Charon. If these souls can pay Charon the proper tribute, then he will ferry them across the river Styx—closer to Hades.


I do not distinguish between the good and the bad, the strong and the weak, or the holy and the blasphemous. I merely carry out the orders of the three Moirai sisters, The Fates, who rule and determine the destinies of all mortals. I come in times of great sadness and in times of much tribulation. I am present on the battlefields and by the bedsides of the terminally ill. I come suddenly to the foolish; I walk slowly toward the wise. I am the beginning of your end. I am silence. I am quietus.

I wish to speak of my displeasure—of a pretender who has assumed my role and has become more popular (or infamous) to mortals than I. I speak of the malevolent, cloaked, skeletal figure known as "The Grim Reaper," who uses his sharp scythe to harvest souls. Who is this daemon? How dare he intrude on my turf? I can no longer tolerate this usurper. I must appeal to you, mortal, who would you trust your pitiful soul to—a brash, bony, human anatomy model or me, Thanatos, the benevolent guide of the dead?

Take a good look at the Grim Reaper. Does he truly frighten you, mortals? Does his feeble skeletal frame remind you of the fleshless fate your body will achieve after death? Does his large curved scythe spark fear in your soul as you imagine one fatal swing across your soft, frail body? He is a caricature of me. He does not possess the power over mortals that I do. He merely operates out of fear. This imposter comes out of the shadows to reveal himself. But I am real. I am hidden. I perform my duties with the utmost professionalism of an undertaker, yet I ask for no praise or reward. I am a winged youth, like Eros (Aphrodite's son), and I carry a sword. My symbol is the inverted torch. And when I come for you, I come to take you in peace—not violently.

Leave a comment as to whom you prefer as the epitome of death. If you choose me, then you will receive a special reward. Some fateful day, when the Moirai sisters send me to collect your soul, I promise to take the long, meandering, scenic route to meet you. So until then, mortal, live well.

Pan and Mythic Creatures

I am the satyr Pan.

I am worshipped in Arcadia as a god. I am half man, half goat, and one hundred percent horny. Well, what did you expect of a satyr? I spend most of my time playing music on a hollow reed flute. When I need a little excitement, I chase after sexy nymphs and attempt to rape them with my ithyphallic appendage. I, along with many of my fellow satyrs, accompany Dionysius in many of his drunken debaucheries. We would often cavort with many of the dizzy-dancing, scantily-clad maenads—those wanton women inebriated from Dionysius's own divine wine barrel. Drinking, fucking, and flute-playing...what a decadent lifestyle! Ah, don't you just love me? I contain the raw hedonistic spirit of every testosterone-fueled mortal male within me. Don't deny it, gentlemen, you wish you could get away with half the things I do! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! But foolish mortals have laws against committing fun and frivolity. Satyrs do not abide by the strait-laced laws of man. We live freely and do as we please, so long as it pleases us!

Zeus has asked me—nay, commanded me—to contribute a few words to educate the mortals visiting this blog. Very well, I thought. Why not discuss a couple of mythological creatures? I'm sure you will enjoy a few entries from Zeus's favorite bestiary.

Centaur
The Centaur is a composite creature, part man and part horse. The human's upper body and torso (at the waist) seem to blend into the horse's body (at the neck or chest) to form the two-in-one beast. Centaurs are said to be from the Mount Pelion region of Greece, bordering the port city of ancient Iolcos—from where Jason and the Argonauts set sail in search of the Golden Fleece. The centaur Chiron was considered a wise teacher and Achilles was one of his pupils.


Harpy
The Harpy is a winged creature with the head and breasts of a woman on the body of a large bird with razor-sharp talons. Harpies are ugly beasts that were sent to torment blind Phineus by stealing his food. Phineus was grateful when Jason and the Argonauts came to rescue him. He warned Jason of the clashing rocks known as the Symplegades and how to pass them without damaging his ship.

Hydra
The Hydra is a reptilian water monster with snake-like features, particularly its strong scales and slithering body. The hydra of Lake Lerna—referred to as the Lernaean Hydra—had many heads. Heracles was sent to dispatch the beast in one of his famous "Twelve Labors." However, as the Greek strong man quickly discovered, when he cut off one head, two others quickly grew and replaced the severed head. To solve this problem and defeat the monster, Heracles then called upon Iolaus to torch the stump whenever he cut off one of the hydra's heads. Hera, displeased by the sight of Heracles's cleverness, sent a giant crab (known as Karkinos) to distract the hero before he could complete his task. But Heracles simply crushed the crab underfoot and finished slaying the Lernaean Hydra.

Chimera
The Chimera is a fierce fire-breathing monster put together like a mismatched jigsaw puzzle. The beast's insane design features a lion's head and body, the neck and head of a goat emerging from the lion's torso, and a serpentine tail ending in a vile viper's head. The chimera is truly the stuff of human nightmares. But fear not—for the chimera was slain by Bellerophon astride the gallant winged horse, Pegasus.

There are many other beasts that the ancient Greeks speak of in myth, but in all honesty, I find this shit boring. I'm thirsty and I want a fuck. Time to go find a naiad and fulfill both desires! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Come back and visit me again, mortal, as I have no doubt you will hear more from me in the future.

Try Your Luck with Tyche

I am Tyche and your luck is about to change.

You may worship me as a goddess, but it would be more appropriate to consider me as the epitome of luck and fortune. My name literally means "luck" in Greek.

I am the daughter of Aphrodite. As to who my father may be, the identity is questionable. Both Hermes and Zeus are given as potential sires. The Greeks of ancient times placed great importance upon me. For catastrophic events that could not be explained by traditional or spiritual means, I was often credited as causing those events.

Life is unpredictable. Mortals are in a constant state of flux and instability, both in their personal and professional lives. The attempt to control that instability and manipulate chance in their favor has existed since the dawn of time. And that is where I play a major role.

I am worshipped for my ability to change the outcome of events. Where I am called upon the most is in gambling. From state lotteries to casino betting, I have been the one to whom many mortals have pledged their faith and risked their entire fortunes, just for a mere smile from me.

Tell me, mortal, do you feel lucky today? Take a chance with this random lottery number generator.

Lottery Quick Pick

Or, better yet, share with us (in the comment box below) your list of "lucky numbers" and maybe I will make your jackpot dreams come true. Do you prefer the direct approach? Then simply tell me which state lottery you frequently play and I will reveal the winning numbers of a particular day's drawing. So cross your fingers and rub your severed rabbit's foot, because you never know when I might be watching—and waiting to turn your fortunes around.

Good luck!

Narcissus and Vanity Plates

Pardon me, I am Narcissus.

I am not a god, just a mortal like you. But unlike you, I am a handsome youth. I'm beyond beautiful. There hasn't been a word invented yet to describe my incredibly alluring looks. Don't blame yourself. Don't blame your lover for pursuing me over you. I am simply too winsome to be resisted by any woman—or man. But I detest the affections of others. They mean nothing to me. They do not even compare to me. There can be only one truly attractive man in this world—and I am he. What? Does my vanity insult you? Very well, then look away. Better yet, I will look away instead, because the sight of you is most unappealing. Hark! A pond! And what's this I see? Is it the water's surface? No. Someone is looking back at me. Who is this man? He is too gorgeous for mere words. By Zeus, I'm enthralled! I cannot stop staring at him. His gaze has me trapped. I cannot move. Will I suffer such a cruel fate—to live, wilt, and die like some transfixed flower upon the water's edge?

Alas, I am undone! My vainglorious self-absorption has become my downfall. Vanity, fellow mortals, is perhaps the deadliest trait of humanity. Be wary! I have seen it in you. I have seen it on your four-wheeled chariot. What do you call them—"vanity plates"? Yes. From the sublime to the ridiculous, I have witnessed many vehicular vanity plates and can only wonder what possessed the owners to register them.

Let us look at some examples:

Vanity plate #1: BLOGGER

A straightforward license plate issued in Oklahoma that perhaps describes the occupation or preferred hobby of the vehicle's owner. This is the most common form as you will find people who get vanity license plates with their profession or favorite pastime on them. For example, a dentist might have the plate: TOOTH DR.

 Vanity plate #2: EDU KCHN

Misspellings are clever attempts to make a statement. Here we see the possible vanity plate of a teacher from Virginia. "Education" seems to be lacking or an ironic message is at work. As the combinations of available spaces and alphanumeric characters become more difficult to find or use, vehicle owners have to be more creative in figuring out vanity plate words that suit them.  

Vanity plate #3: ETTALIC

Sometimes, the spaces available on a license plate just don't add up. Here we have a die-hard heavy metal music fan in California who wants his favorite band on his vanity plate. The problem is overcome with a little creativity as the band's name "Metallica" has the middle portion on the plate with stickers of the stylized "M" and "A" on either end of the tag. Matches the band's logo quite cleverly, I must admit.

Vanity plate #4: L8 4 KRT

There are other times when vehicle owners use humor to describe their professions. Here we see an example of a tardy Arizona lawyer who seems to be "late for court." I think it would be even funnier if an automobile next to this one in the courtroom parking lot had a license plate that read: "OVR RULD."

Vanity plate #5: IH8PEPL

And well, there are just some misanthropic individuals out there who want to get their anti-social message across loud and clear. There's not much else you can say about the person in Maryland who has this vanity plate. He or she seems to "h8 pepl" (i.e., "hate people"), yet no bumper sticker indicates if this person is an animal lover instead.

Vanity plate #6: PMS24-7

As if every driver out on the road didn't have at least one incident of road rage, then here we have an unmistakable warning from a female motorist in Oregon who will raise hell if any driver cuts her off. So be warned all you responsible drivers out there on the West Coast of America, don't even think about trying to overtake the woman behind the wheel of this vehicle.

Vanity plate #7: 370H55V

And we finally come to the last category of vanity license plates: vulgar or obscene tags. This is the license plate of those who not only rebel against convention, but who also want to make the loudest statement of all, by using profanity. These attention-seeking whores (both men and women) want to shock you with their clever messages and how they were able to get their otherwise inappropriate license plate approved by the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) in their state. Here we have a very creative effort from a motorist in Michigan who is either an ingenious proctologist or just a plain smart-ass. Right-side-up, the license plate is a harmless collection of numbers and letters. However, there is a hidden message to be found by tailgating sleuths. The offensive word becomes more apparent if you merely turn (or view) the tag upside-down and decipher the simple one-word message being conveyed: ASSHOLE. Ah, such class! And people hate me because I'm so vain.

I have seen other specialty tags that I thought were fairly clever, such as the Pennsylvania vanity plate that revealed its owner's gender and occupation: "XY RN" (i.e., "male nurse"). Hmm, I am curious. What do you think would be an appropriate vanity plate for me? Let me know your ideas by posting a comment. Until next time, see you in the mirror, fellow mortal!